It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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