remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think your dad took our porno
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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