Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
