Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How naked do you want me to be?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
