Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
