dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
