just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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