god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
