im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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