I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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