too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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