He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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