As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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