A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
