I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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