Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
