Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
