youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
