I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
