my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
