What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
