Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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