When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
