How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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