How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
