you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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