can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
