he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
