My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
