apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
