$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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