Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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