I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
