if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
