my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
