my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
