I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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