Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
