fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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