You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
