Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
