If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
