I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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