It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
