she woke up with a sticky ear
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
