I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
