Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
