Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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