You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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