i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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