If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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