i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
