I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
try to milk me bitch
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
