That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
