I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
