My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
In America we eat man semen.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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