the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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