Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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