my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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