if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
