Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
