Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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