so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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