His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
